Love Like That

It’s coming back around. Positive karma I may or may not deserve. This feeling is new and entirely welcome, waking up everyday with a smile on my face. Feeling blessed for the sun streaming through my window and a blanket tucked up under my chin. Contentedness radiates through me, yet I am on high alert for anything that might impede this new found feeling. If good deeds and hard work create this in my life I want to make them my mission. It would be a worthwhile endeavour.

Can’t Steal Happiness

Everyday, this feeling morphs. Somedays it’s as if I can breathe underwater, other times I flounder in my search for the surface. There are moments of limbo, during which I’m not quite sure I can satiate my starved lungs a moment longer. These are the times you come through like a burst of oxygen, convincing me to dwell a moment longer. Yet, I’m not sure how many more times I can endure that rush of panic–not knowing if you’ll rescue me or leave my body and heart to dwindle beneath the surface. I need to know you’ll always be there, or at least within reach, before I am content enough to be at rest. These are uncharted waters, and while I’m not afraid to swim I need some help to keep my head above the waves.

Since You’ve Been Around

Since you’ve been around my head is always spinning, full of worries, hopes, fears. I can feel alone in a crowded room, unloved in a friends embrace, lost within the confines of my own self. I confessed to you my deepest concerns and now walk with my heart painfully exposed to the elements. You say things will come around soon, yet I am unconvinced that this heartache feels worse than it really is. Vulnerable in a cutthroat world of love I seek only the stability of an absolute truth. And all I really know right now is that I felt you in my heart before I really knew you which has been a terrifying realization, and an irreversible one at that. I too wish things could be sweetly simple but this feeling coursing through my body tells me we have already fallen victim to the inherently complicated nature of attraction. My life has never felt so emotionally chaotic as it does right now. That canvas of our relationship has already been painted outside the lines of friendship and there’s no erasing it now. It has made my world feel brand new and I’m scared to return to the old jaded and lonely. Even if everybody is screaming “you can’t, don’t try” why can’t we close our ears, hearts, and minds to their cries? Don’t subscribe to the mentality of the masses, that isn’t what this is about. I can’t stay high and lie low. Live with me in this moment and if we cannot fly together help me return safely to the ground.

After It All

The feel of your skin against mine as our noses meet, tip to tip, before our lips touch with feathery softness. How our feet fit perfectly together beneath the folds of warm blankets, as if dancing a rhythmic two step through the night. Content with my arms wrapped round you, amidst tangled sheets and laced fingers. Our half-hearted attempts at slumber, set to the tune of a nearly silent melody, interrupted with moments of sweet embrace. Your breath on my neck as my fingertips trace the curves of your body and sweet nothings are spoken mouth to ear. The fluidity of motion as our bodies undulate in time. These, and a thousand emotions swimming about the room. They say that age is just a number and love is just a game. And if this is true, I want to play the game forever.

Amazed

I had an amazing experience this past Thursday night. I accompanied a group of ten friends, all of which are lesbian, to a bar on Capitol Hill in order to celebrate a birthday. We spent much of the evening at a table in the back of The Crescent singing along to karaoke performances, drinking beers, and talking amongst ourselves. A man approached our table to inform us that bar patrons had recently been the victim of roofied drinks, and told us that if we needed to leave our table at any point in the night that he would be happy to keep an eye on our drinks for us. We thanked him for letting us know, and throughout the night he returned periodically to our table in order to clear empty glasses, ask if we needed anything, etc. The evening began to wind down and as we were putting on jackets and gathering our things the man returned to our table and struck up conversation. Expecting nothing more than pleasantries or a goodbye I was shocked at what actually came out of his mouth. First, he told us that he was 57 years of age and gay, and therefore was not being flirtatious in what he was about to say. He then proceeded to tell us that after watching us that night he was amazed by our strong womanhood, and that he hadn’t seen such a powerful group of lesbians in his lifetime. We were all awestruck, not knowing we had commanded such attention. He explained his view that gay men have it “so much easier” and how much he admired our outward display of strength and perseverance. Thanking him for his kind words we turned to leave and he exclaimed that we had made his night, and that he hopes to see us again in the near future. His manner of explaining his feelings was much more poetic than my own, but I was so amazed by what I was hearing that many of his words were lost on me. We all left feeling incredibly grateful that he took the time to shower us with such compliments and I can honestly say that I have rarely seen someone speak with such selflessness and sincerity. We may have made his night but I’m sure I speak for all of my friends when I say he made ours ten times over.

Social Chameleon

In the past year I have done more growing up and self discovery than had previously occurred in my entire lifetime. Graduating high school and subsequently moving away from the cookie cutter lifestyle that was essentially all I knew made me realize the degree to which I had been pigeon holed into a personality type, a lifestyle, a career path, character traits, and many other aspects that made up who I was and who I wanted to become. It has taken much of the past year to undo a minute fraction of these effects, and I’m sure I will continue to do so for days, months, and years to come. I used to be unhappy and bitter and I didn’t know why. I chalked it up to small city hay fever, my parent’s volatile relationship, school pressures; but really none of these problems contributed to my dissatisfaction with life as much as the fact that I was trying to be someone I’m not.

In truth I never completely fit into the Bellevue mold. A ‘tomboy’ from birth I had an affinity for suits and ties rather than dresses and bows. To combat this perceived problem I was sent to an all girls school where wearing a plaid skirt and knee socks wasn’t an option–it was a requirement. And I tried. Tried to press myself into the catholic school girl persona. But more often than not I found myself with grass stains on my white polo and holes in my knee socks from playing tackle football with the neighborhood boys. Interestingly enough people often perceived the attendees of my all girls schools as a bunch of ‘lesbians on laptops’, but homophobia was rampant. In fact, I can easily say that it was my most concentrated homophobic experience thus far.

This wasn’t a stereotype that I distanced myself from. Proving that you weren’t gay was at the top of nearly every Forest Ridge girl’s priority list. And I made myself least suspect by acquiring a boyfriend, a feat not many girls accomplished with so few male counterparts in our lives. What people didn’t realize was that the term boyfriend to me really meant that I had a mountain biking, sports watching friend–who just so happened to be male. And this was the type of ‘boyfriend’ relationship that I continued to partake in throughout high school as well. This wasn’t a conscious decision that I made, I didn’t realize what I was suppressing as the desire to be a ‘normal’ Bellevue girl was at the forefront of my personal development.

Shedding this mold was, at first, an incredibly slow process. The University of Washington isn’t significantly different from my high school environment. Though I wanted to be infatuated with school and in love with my experiences there I still found myself unhappy and seeking a more significant change. Actually acting upon this desire and moving to Capitol Hill was, thus far, one of the best decisions I have ever made. It was this move that allowed me to begin my coming out, and conversely, coming IN process. That is, coming out of my shell, the closet, and into myself as a person.

Unlike many people, being gay wasn’t something I was aware of and consciously repressed while growing up. It was more something I didn’t think about or acknowledge because that would have meant I had to deal with it, which I was unprepared to do. But, moving to Capitol Hill, which is the gay haven of Seattle, was like constantly seeing a neon sign flashing ‘this is who you are’, which, after a while, became hard to ignore. And, ever since tearfully and tentatively discussing my feelings with one of my best friends who whole heartedly accepted me despite my social deviance, I have embodied who I am fully.

That isn’t to say it hasn’t been an incredibly difficult process–the melding of my numerous lives. I essentially had a uniform and a lifestyle for the variety of pieces to the puzzle that makes up my life. The Bellevue part, the horsewoman part, the athlete part, the ‘hipster’ part, the school part. Like a Chameleon I adapt who I am, and who I appear to be, based upon my surroundings. And while this is probably a good quality in the long run I have grown tired of keeping track of myself. I want to be able to present myself as a complete person to everyone that enters my life. As of right now there are still many discrepancies between these sects, but they are creeping ever closer together. So next time you see me, expect me to present all aspects of my life, not just the ones I know you’ll accept.

You went away

I hate losing people. Almost worse than physically being separated by death, distance, whatever is losing someone right in front of you. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, or what have you. Suddenly the texts come less frequently. Phone calls go unanswered. Initially I am startled, worry that something happened. Eventually it becomes clear, the distance is intentional. Then I’m left to wonder what has happened. Happened to us. Happened to you. Happened to me. Did I accidentally push you away, have I done something to offend you? Actually posing these questions would only increase the distance, serve as a catalyst to further cut communication. So I sit and suffer in silence, hoping that you’ll remember me. I’m perpetually that person that serves as a last resort, when someone really needs a shoulder to cry on. And that leaves me to sort through my own emotional ruin. What a vicious cycle. Yet I’m still here, if you look, you’ll find me. 

Stuck in the middle with you

I’ve been feeling a little bit stuck lately. Sure, as my roommate pointed out yesterday, I’ve begun to “epitomize the Capitol Hill culture” which I guess should mean I’ve found a niche that I’m content to dwell in. Oh so wrong. I’m happy with life and how it’s going, don’t get me wrong. Wake up, go to class, go to work, bike or walk the dog down to the cafe…same shit different day. I’m ready for something momentous to happen, shake up my world a bit. Each day brings me closer to summer and while it won’t change my daily life much I can’t wait to wander Cap Hill in the sun and lay in the park with friends. Summer in Seattle cannot be beat, even by San Francisco which is definitely saying something coming from me. Holing up in Vita watching the rain beat the windows even though it’s June makes me want this even more. Sun can never come soon enough for me.

Wake Up Exhausted

I’m ready for summer. Days are getting monotonous. I want to hold hands and play in the park. I want to wake up exhausted after a night full of fun and laughter. Too much to ask?

Today…

…was really great. Good times, good friends, and sunshine (RIP CA) can’t lead to anything but fun.