Social Chameleon

In the past year I have done more growing up and self discovery than had previously occurred in my entire lifetime. Graduating high school and subsequently moving away from the cookie cutter lifestyle that was essentially all I knew made me realize the degree to which I had been pigeon holed into a personality type, a lifestyle, a career path, character traits, and many other aspects that made up who I was and who I wanted to become. It has taken much of the past year to undo a minute fraction of these effects, and I’m sure I will continue to do so for days, months, and years to come. I used to be unhappy and bitter and I didn’t know why. I chalked it up to small city hay fever, my parent’s volatile relationship, school pressures; but really none of these problems contributed to my dissatisfaction with life as much as the fact that I was trying to be someone I’m not.

In truth I never completely fit into the Bellevue mold. A ‘tomboy’ from birth I had an affinity for suits and ties rather than dresses and bows. To combat this perceived problem I was sent to an all girls school where wearing a plaid skirt and knee socks wasn’t an option–it was a requirement. And I tried. Tried to press myself into the catholic school girl persona. But more often than not I found myself with grass stains on my white polo and holes in my knee socks from playing tackle football with the neighborhood boys. Interestingly enough people often perceived the attendees of my all girls schools as a bunch of ‘lesbians on laptops’, but homophobia was rampant. In fact, I can easily say that it was my most concentrated homophobic experience thus far.

This wasn’t a stereotype that I distanced myself from. Proving that you weren’t gay was at the top of nearly every Forest Ridge girl’s priority list. And I made myself least suspect by acquiring a boyfriend, a feat not many girls accomplished with so few male counterparts in our lives. What people didn’t realize was that the term boyfriend to me really meant that I had a mountain biking, sports watching friend–who just so happened to be male. And this was the type of ‘boyfriend’ relationship that I continued to partake in throughout high school as well. This wasn’t a conscious decision that I made, I didn’t realize what I was suppressing as the desire to be a ‘normal’ Bellevue girl was at the forefront of my personal development.

Shedding this mold was, at first, an incredibly slow process. The University of Washington isn’t significantly different from my high school environment. Though I wanted to be infatuated with school and in love with my experiences there I still found myself unhappy and seeking a more significant change. Actually acting upon this desire and moving to Capitol Hill was, thus far, one of the best decisions I have ever made. It was this move that allowed me to begin my coming out, and conversely, coming IN process. That is, coming out of my shell, the closet, and into myself as a person.

Unlike many people, being gay wasn’t something I was aware of and consciously repressed while growing up. It was more something I didn’t think about or acknowledge because that would have meant I had to deal with it, which I was unprepared to do. But, moving to Capitol Hill, which is the gay haven of Seattle, was like constantly seeing a neon sign flashing ‘this is who you are’, which, after a while, became hard to ignore. And, ever since tearfully and tentatively discussing my feelings with one of my best friends who whole heartedly accepted me despite my social deviance, I have embodied who I am fully.

That isn’t to say it hasn’t been an incredibly difficult process–the melding of my numerous lives. I essentially had a uniform and a lifestyle for the variety of pieces to the puzzle that makes up my life. The Bellevue part, the horsewoman part, the athlete part, the ‘hipster’ part, the school part. Like a Chameleon I adapt who I am, and who I appear to be, based upon my surroundings. And while this is probably a good quality in the long run I have grown tired of keeping track of myself. I want to be able to present myself as a complete person to everyone that enters my life. As of right now there are still many discrepancies between these sects, but they are creeping ever closer together. So next time you see me, expect me to present all aspects of my life, not just the ones I know you’ll accept.

Explore posts in the same categories: Uncategorized